I haven't written anything in a while. I know. Turns out there is a negative correlation between how funny cases seem and how close finals become. I just got home from attempting to find warm places to study all over this city (seriously - I sat in 5 places today) and I turned on the tv to zone out for a few minutes while I cooked some dinner. Even when I try to watch something dumb, the law finds me. This is the advertisement for a holiday movie that came on. You may think I am joking. I swear I am not.
Flashes of Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez on screen. Marissa looks happy but in a crazed way that sort of says "I may still be a witch." Mario looks frightened yet confident in a "I am cooler than Zach Morris any decade" way.
Voiceover: "She's holding him hostage but he's stealing her heart!" Flashes of Melissa kidnapping Mario, smashing his cellphone so he can't call anyone, and locking him in a room. If there wasn't this upbeat music in the background you would think this was a new slasher flick. Flashes of her looking out the window lovingly at him playing in the snow, a la Belle in Beauty in the Beast when she cannot BELIEVE she is falling for a monster (Remember "there may be something there that wasn't there before?" Classic. What? What's there mama? I'll tell you when you're older, Chip! Sorry, Disney tangent).
Then we hear Mario joke "You know, a federal offense puts you on the naughty list this year!" Nevermind his phone has been smashed and he's locked out in the snow and he is stuck with Melizza Joan Hart. Alone.
Final Voiceover: "This Christmas, don't miss the ABC Family world premiere of Holiday in Handcuffs!!!"
Seriously.
Holiday in Handcuffs.
I'm speechless.
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