Cadbury Cream Eggs are my Religion

It's almost the end of 2L year and I've been studying hard and reading way too much yet I often feel like I have not retained much information. I worry that despite the work I put in, I will forget what I learned in law school and have trouble remembering things when I am a practicing attorney (assuming I get through that whole bar exam thing first).

But earlier this Easter Sunday, I was given hope. I realized that I might actually have a chance at becoming a good lawyer.
I got a text from a friend asking for legal advice about a very important, very serious matter and, based on the conversation I've transcribed below, I think you can see that I am clearly on my way to arguing before the Supreme Court. After all, "Cadbury Cream eggs" might not be explicitly mentioned in the Constitution (I mean, neither is privacy! But that's a whole different can of worms) but what type of country IS this, really, if we do not interpret "life, liberty, or property" to include delicious chocolate-covered treats and also, sugar-coated animal-shaped marshmellows? That's what I'm saying.

"Client": In your expert legal opinion, do I have a case against my Jewish friend for eating all my Easter candy?
Me: Is your friend a governmental entity? If you can swing that I can help you argue that his actions violated your free exercise rights!
"Client": Nahh he’s straight up private sector. Damn. Looks like I have to wait for the candy clearances tomorrow.
Me: We could also argue intentional infliction of emotional distress. Or simple stealing or trespassing
"Client": Ohhh yes yes I like that. So much emotional distress! And definitely stealing. But trespassing is tough since he kinda lives with me
Me: Trespass to chattel! Chattel being peeps, obviously
"Client": No way we could swing it as a hate crime?
Me: Might depend on your state law. If you think motivation was to hurt you and not just enjoy candy, might be a case! I think at minimum though you deserve restitution in the form of candy damages - he should replace what he ate
"Client": I've got a better chance of winning the lotto than that happening

Yes, I AM available for hire. Please contact to discuss rates. Discount for "not-yet-technically-admitted-to-the-bar" currently applies!

Do not do anything that requires you to be awake and alert

I got dental surgery this morning and, in my goodie bag on the way out, a prescription for Vicodin. I've never taken this before but I'm very curious about its effects. Especially since I have close to 4 hours of class this afternoon. I googled "Vicodin side effects" and guess what one of the warnings is? "Be careful if you drive or do anything that requires you to be awake and alert."

Umm, hi - that is law school.

I told my (non-law-school) friend that I was worried about taking the drug and then being cold called in class. "Just say "I object!" alot," she suggested. "And then continue to slump over and drool."

Now I am faced with the problem: how does one email one's professor to say "Yes, I will be in class today, but I might not be there there so please don't call on me.... thank you"? Suggestions are appreciated.

A music experiment

Finals period is here. Though this means that I am spending a huge proportion of time studying, it also means I am spending an even greater proportion of time than normal procrastinating. Today this quest for procrastination led me to my ipod search bar and I learned some very interesting, if not at all surprising, things.

Songs on my ipod that have the following words in their titles:

Love - 451 songs
Happy - 48 songs
Sleep - 52 songs
Free - 35 songs (including A Distorted Reality is now a Necessity to be Free, by Elliott Smith. I'll let you make the law school link on your own)
Life - 117 songs
Sex - 25 songs

Law - 5 songs (but one is called Sex Laws... so it might get canceled out)
Test - 1 song
Fail - 6 songs
Corporate - 1 song (Regina Spektor's The Ghost of Corporate Future - AKA death and my final on Tuesday)
Shareholder - 1 song (Maria Taylor's One for the Shareholder - random, right? I definitely did not expect any song titles to include this word!)
Study - 0 SONGS!!!!

Notice how these are organized by theme? And notice how many, MANY more artists are inspired by things like love.. happiness.. and even sleep than law, finals, and corporations? WEIRD. Who would have guessed, right?

Also of note: the word Elephant appears in 8 song titles. EIGHT. I own more songs about elephants than about law. I don't even know what that means but I can bet you I will spend more time pondering the implications of this statistic than studying for this awful exam.

A brief hello, and then hibernation

You might have noticed that I have been less than stellar about updating this blog 2L year. Or for those of you who didn't notice let me fill you in: I have not updated this blog at all 2L year. Whoops.

So why did this happen? I would be inclined to say that it's because my classes no longer involve their share of ridiculous cases but that's just not true. Well, perhaps that is true for Corporations. However, I can barely wrap my head around just one of those cases let alone deconstruct it in a humorous fashion. It could be that those cases are funny on a whole different level (like the level that sits way above my head) but if they are, you will not get the pleasure of chuckling about it here.

Anyway, I think the reason I have been delinquent in writing this blog is because I have been busy reading other blogs. And newspapers. And online magazines. And (fill in the internet-related blank here). Yes, "my friends," it was election season and if I could have gotten credits for the amount of reading I did on Obama, McCain, the public, the polls, and the ever-fascinating/terrifying Governor Palin, I think I could graduate a semester early. Now that the election is over, I've slowly been transitioning back into full-time student mode... just in time for finals and my hibernation of sorts. If only this was the sort of hibernation that involved sleep. Sadly, it is in fact the polar opposite. At least the election ended at a convenient time for this (and please note that that "convenience" is spiked with expresso and saturated with dread).

Moral of the story is, please do not hold your collective breath for the next entry. It will happen... but that might be next semester. If, however, you know anything about corporations... or dividends... or the bail out... please email me. Seriously. I am going to need all the help I can get. Because, despite my unettered optimism, questions about Sarah Palin's views from her Alaksan home will not be appearing on my final. Though I guess I can always hope...

A brilliant idea?

I have quite suddenly become the owner of an almost offensive number of lightbulbs. It all just happened so quickly; I had little time to consider the results of my actions and now I have a big Trader Joe's bag filled with 26 new bulbs. 26. Let's keep in mind that I have a studio apartment.

I was searching on Craigslist for a desk, preferably one that was for sale in my building (summer made me lazy). No luck with the desk but I DID find a posting for a big bag of lightbulbs in my building for only $5. I wouldn't even have to put on shoes. Ok, maybe that's an exageration. I did put on shoes. But if it was the winter, I would have had to put on a coat... and I did not need to do that! So there was definitely a feeling of accomplishment, perhaps akin to that a lion might feel if it snared its prey close to home without having to travel miles and miles through the grassland (and where the prey is more like dessert prey, as it wasn't reaaally necessary for survival but just a lucky break for the lion. Who finds 26 lightbulbs for $5 nowadays???).

So now I have a lot of lightbulbs. I feel like a quantifying screw-in joke's supply store.

Summer break did not affect my brain to such a degree that I believe this post constitutes anything remotely legal. But maybe it's a metaphor of sorts. Welcome to 2L year - I am supposed to have accumulated much wisdom and knowledge from my hard work as a 1L... but chances are I will rarely, if ever, open that bag now sitting in my closet. I hope I have a use for the bulbs... but if not, at least I now know I have them.

Welcome back to law school.

Christmas comes early at the Seattle Center

Dear friends,

It is a very good week.

As many of you know, last semester I was given an assignment as part of my legal writing class to write a brief representing the city of Seattle again Michael Berger AKA “Magic Mike.” To give you a basic overview, Magic Mike likes to perform outside at the Seattle Center but thinks that the permit system they have in place as well as the area restrictions on performances are a violation of his First Amendment rights (he can still perform, he just needs to pay $5 a year and stay 30 feet away from other Center attractions and captive audiences). It was hard to have a ton of sympathy for the guy though considering that the permit system was put into place based on complaints by members of the public and other performers and that 70% of these complaints were either about or BY Mike.

So without getting into more specifics, I’ll just say that few people, even members of the other class whose task it was to represent the balloon-wielding appellant, liked this guy. In fact, he sort of made our semesters hellish. So when I found out that I would be going to Seattle to work one of my old conferences after finals, I joked that I was going to hunt Mike down and give him a piece of my mind. I really like the idea of also giving him a stack of the 28 different briefs, going on a rant about the pain he caused us law students, and maybe wacking him with one of his own balloon creations. Maybe this would have been overly dramatic, but so is claiming severe emotional distress over restrictions on balloon artistry.

I went to Seattle and it was a terrific vacation/break from the east coast. I hiked a mountain with my friend, wandered through the city and drank coffee, found some good used bookstores, facilitated a conference to some great kids, and enjoyed some beautiful Seattle sunshine. Sunday was my last day in the city and after finishing up the conference my friends and I went into the city to wander. By the end of the night we found ourselves at the Seattle Center for the Northwest Folklife Festival. Totally random but awesome. Three big stages, thousands of people, tons of vendors – it was a huge event. At 10:30 the festival began to wind down and we started to make our way to an exit. My friends and I paused near a carousel to discuss the game plan for the rest of the night and that is when I turned around and saw him. The spongebob shirt. The balloon hat. I recognized the man immediately from his website and spun around, an ecstatic look on my face.

“THAT’S MAGIC MIKE!” I exclaimed in a loud whisper to my group confused non-law students. They didn’t really get why I was so psyched to see an old man in a balloon hat dressed up in a spongebob t-shirt but I didn’t let that phase me. All that mattered was that I had somehow stumbled upon the magician himself. I patiently waited my turn as he finished making a balloon sculpture for a little boy. As I watched him sit glumly and twist the balloons as people all headed past him for exits, it hit me how sad Magic Mike really is. He seemed so dejected, so out of it. I would not hire him for my child’s birthday party, that is for sure. But I did feel badly for him. All he wanted to do was to perform his tricks below the space needle. Had I gotten so into my role as Seattle’s lawyer that I had blinded myself to justice?

Finally the child left and I stepped up to Berger, as he's known in the legal world. I told him I was a law student and that we had done a project on his case. That was basically all I got to say. From then on, he just talked about his rights, about how the Center was ridiculous, about how he had all these problems, about how the ruling was expansive, about how he thinks this is dangerous for America. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I had actually represented the other side. But it seems he didn't really care what I thought anyway. I nodded along for a while before finally asking if I could just get a picture with him. We took the picture… and then he talked some more. I began to understand why the other performers had filed complaints about him. He might be sad but he was ALSO irritating. Finally I was able to get away as my group of friends was becoming more antsy and more confused at my interest in the random street performer. He called after me:

“Wait! I didn’t get your name!”

I told him my name... first name only though. I’ll admit it – I was a little nervous. Of what? I'm not sure. I'm still sort of worried that he'll use his powers to find THIS. He then lifted his massive balloon hat from his head, reached out, and handed it to me. It was big, colorful, and had a small red balloon flower hanging from the end like a carrot that tempts a cartoon runner. I protested, saying that it was ok, I was taking a flight the next day, etc, but he still gave it to me. Then he told me to tell my law school friends that he has set up a fund and that anything we can donate to him on his website would be good. He suggested “$1, $10, $100 or more.” Glad to see he has realistic expectations about law student bank accounts.

The next day at the airport, I tried to get the hat through security. They wouldn’t let me wear it, but I DID send it through the scanner. It actually got stuck in there and they had to fish it out in 3 pieces. I felt like this was an appropriate ending. Though I threw out the bulk of the balloon monstrosity before boarding my flight back home, I did keep the small red balloon flower. I like to think of it as a badge of honor; spoils from a hard fought war called 1L year.

Goodbye forever, Magic Mike. But thanks for the memories… and the balloons.

Attack by stingray

Last night I had a dream that I was on a boat in the middle of a very beautiful ocean. It was a stark contrast to the library and I liked it. However, I still had my laptop with me. Go figure.

No sooner did I have the chance to enjoy the view that I fell into the ocean.. with my laptop. I tried to hold it above my head and keep it away from the water while trying to tread and keep my own head above the waves... but I was not that successful. Someone jumped in to rescue me and when I got back onto the boat I eagerly opened the computer to see if it was ok. It was dry... but something was wrong.

The captain informed me that my laptop was ruined because a stingray had attacked and I guess shot out some poison? Do stingrays even shoot poison? Anyway, the Captain told me I was lucky I was not hurt. However, apparently THIS type of stingray gave you no hope of computer recovery.
"Really?!?" I asked desperately.
The captain shook his head sadly.
"This is the way of the ocean."

I looked at my computer. The screen was eerily blank and the keyboard was gone. Instead there was just weird brown haze over it, almost like it had been burned. Suddenly, the whole base peeled off and there were teeth and sticky things inside. Like innards. The screen turned on but it was all neon and looked like it was on some form of computer LSD.

I tried to think positively. Maybe my applecare would cover this! I did pay for the extra insurance!! But somehow I figured attack by stingray did not fall under the warranty...

And amid all this - the water, the attack, the teeth in the computer (???), I remember thinking "Well, at least I backed up my outlines yesterday"

Law school really does change the way you think.